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All the Feels

You guys, ROUND ONE is done and I’ve been enjoying my off week, but as I start planning (cause I’m a planner) for my next treatment on January 29th my stomach knots. I’m not looking forward to the nausea, fatigue, bone pain and the progression of hair loss, brittle nails and dry skin (just to name a few other side effects).

The Friday after my treatment was awful and I mean AWFUL! Thankfully I was able to re-read a text a dear friend sent to me. Be kind to and patient with yourself. Let yourself feel all the feels, to cry when you need to instead of holding it in, to rest when you just can’t keep going, it’s all going to part of the journey. I needed that reminder and after months of keeping it together, I allowed myself to feel all the feels.

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

Mandisa- Stronger

Sorry, Mandisa, things might get a little worse before they get better, but I love your enthusiasm and will continue to remind myself that this is making me a stronger, better version of myself. I will be an OVERCOMER.

Like I said, it’s my off week and I have never been more thankful for the days of feeling well. I did something I haven’t done since my surgery, something that makes me feel free and brings peace of mind. I RAN! OK, so it was more like a jog and it wasn’t for very long, but I did it and it felt so good!

I also had my first recheck with my oncologist. He had nothing but good things to say- my labs were stable, the side effects were to be expected and my attitude and outlook is something he wishes other had. He also had to remind me to not feel disheartened when my labs plummet and side effects progress, because that is likely to happen with this type of treatment. Sure it wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows, but I was on cloud nine!

Remember, when I said I’m a planner? I get anxious when I have to fly by the seat of my pants, but sometimes planning for the week ahead can alone cause anxiety. UGH! Here I was smiling and feeling fine then WHAM! I have another treatment, another 5-6 days of feeling like crap and my hair will start falling out soon. So naturally, I’m taking a few things into my own hands.

Saturday, February 1st is going to be a day to again, feel all the feels. I’ve invited our immediate family to come and join me for HAIR DONATION DAY! We are going to celebrate the fact that my hair will be used for a child with hair loss. It’s going to fall out so someone might as well get use out of it, right?! I’m excited– I am in control. I’m nervous-what are Samuel and Rowyn going to say, will Tyler still think I’m beautiful, how will I feel about myself? I’m sad– that part of my femininity will be gone.

Sorry, not sorry. This probably isn’t as chipper as my usually blogs, but I want to be transparent with you. As my friends, you get all of me, not just the happy, goal-getter side, you get the sad and anxious side too.

Now to finish like I always intend to, with gratitude. I want to again say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive for me and my family as we continue the journey up this mountain. Your smiles, texts, prayers, thoughts, hugs, cards, good vibes, meals and everything in between has been greatly appreciated!

Until next time and a new look. HUGS,

Sara, Tyler, Samuel and Rowyn

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