“Cancer robs you of control over your life and body. But it also teaches us that we never really had control in the first place. It’s humbling and empowering at the same time.”- Dr. Jordan
It’s been a restless week. A week filled with appointment after appointment. It’s crazy to think that I have lived with my diagnosis for 11 days and in those 11 days, I have had a breast MRI, a meeting with a genetic counselor, plastic surgeon and oncologist, another ultrasound guided biopsy and we found my biological father. MIND BLOWING!
Wednesday, November 20th. I didn’t have any appointments, I wasn’t waiting for any results, but my mind was still focused on too many what-ifs. On this day, I wrote in my journal, “I miss who I was before I heard you have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.” I had a breast MRI on Monday and on Tuesday I was told that it appears that I have thickening in one of my lymph nodes, but we don’t know if the cancer is there or not, so I needed to undergo another biopsy.
For people who know me… I’m type A and a planner… so this diagnosis is driving me crazy! There are so many things that need to be done first before you can even get a game plan in place. Thankfully, I have a great team that is helping me navigate this process.
A quick recap of my appointments:
- Breast MRI- Not sure how to describe this other than, as interesting, the noises that machine makes are obnoxious! I do need to give a quick shout-out to the two lovely women who assisted me with this exam as they were AMAZING!!
- Genetic Counseling- One word, INTENSE. She needed to much information, but I guess it makes sense in the grand scheme of things. I will be undergoing a genetic test to review 47 genes to see if I have any predisposition to breast cancer or any other cancers…. BUT THESE CAN ALL COME BACK NEGATIVE… which means, I’m a fluke 🙂
- Plastic Surgery- It’s a long process. I just want to leave it at that, but she did tell Tyler and I that when we first look at my breasts after surgery its going to be horrifying. I will be bruised, lumpy and uneven. (I will have an implant in the left and an expander in the right.)
- Ultrasound Guided Biopsy- Well, I won’t know for sure if it’s in my lymph node until later today or Tuesday. So here I wait.
- Oncology- Well, we know one thing is for sure, I will need hormone therapy as my cancer is showing that it is Estrogen positive. As for radiation, and chemotherapy that is still unknown. Once my results are back from the lymph node biopsy we can move forward…. but with more additional testing and more waiting.
Hurry up and wait. With all of the appointments and intake of information, I’m exhausted. I’m ready for bed by 8p.m. I sleep for a couple hours and then catch myself tossing and turning, grinding my teeth or waking up feeling absolutely sick to my stomach. It’s my anxiety… the what-ifs, the unknowns, the waiting and the wondering.
So it appears that I was robbed of my peace of mind, my carefree spirit, my free time and the runner in me…. but was I? It’s interesting how something like a diagnosis can help put life into perspective or awaken a side of you that you didn’t even know existed….
Did anyone else enjoy the beautiful weather this past weekend? I took my kids for a run… for anyone that knows me, you know I love to run. We didn’t go far, but you know what…. I was so thankful for the ability to run and run with my kids! Not everyone has the luxury of running or having children.
Among the temper tantrums and melt downs, there were also snuggles, smiling faces, and I love yous….I just chose to change my perspective to focus on the positive and feel grateful that for children, something as simple as a kiss and hug can make things all better! (I really do have super powers!)
As for the mountain ahead of me and my family, we are at the base and gearing up to make the climb. I am responsible for what I see…. is my perception fear and terror or is it telling me to slow down and embrace each moment with gratitude?
I CHOOSE GRATITUDE. I am thankful for everyone who is giving us their support, encouragement and words of wisdom. As Samuel would say, “HOLY BUCKETS!” You fine folks are amazing and appreciated! I will be fine. (I’m honestly not giving myself any other choice.) As awful as this is, it’s going to make me into a better person, I can tell already. God has a plan for me and I just need to be patient, listen and trust in the process. I need to keep up my positive attitude, lean on my support system, get comfortable asking for help, stay grateful and focus on what the future holds for me when I become…. an Overcomer.
Follow up with my captain, Dr. Jordan. December 5th. We will discuss the surgery and the landscape of the mountain ahead of me. (Seriously, when you doctor follows up with your oncologist, gets you your results as quickly as possible, shoots you a text to check in and gives you great words of advice, does it get any better?)
Cancer Exodus– Put this in your calendar folks. December 13th will be a day to celebrate, its the day we start showing this cancer who is boss!
Oncology appointment to lay out the plan of treatment- January 2nd